Own Your Own Business!
think of the freedom
The Gauntlet
Before we get started tonight, just a small run through the gauntlet. Including polls is one of MY FAVORITE THINGS with Substack. That is despite your indifference so far. Voter turnout has been light. Truth be told, writing the polls is fun for me so I guess I don’t care whether you bother to vote necessarily. However, my last poll which appeared in Dirt is CURRENTLY TOO CLOSE TO CALL! If you skipped it last time, just click the link, go to the bottom, and vote. I am interested in how much dirt we include in our lives. Are we farmers, composters, gardeners, etcetera? I don’t know most of my readers, but at least two of them qualify as farmers. While I keep the election going for seven days, when I checked in it was a three-way tie. What I know for sure is I never want an election for President to be a tie and have the election decided in the show we call Congress and the Senate. Break the tie. Now let’s return to our regular programming.
A Modest Proposal
Today is a tale of inspiration. Two of my favorite Newsletters are Anne Kadet’s CAFÉ ANNE and Michael Estrin’s Situation Normal. Both bring a smile to my face for different reasons. A while back, Michael did a great humor post about buying a cheese board for entertaining from someone’s backyard. It was funny. Read the post below and you will see from the comments that Michael got some feedback from Anne and me. It turns out there is a lot of black-market food prep out there. Time to capitalize! My modest proposal is that Anne and Michael form a bicoastal partnership and become cheese board entrepreneurs. Everyone needs a side hustle!
I think it became quickly apparent that entrepreneurs everywhere are doing this business out of their homes! While I have concluded this is not a business for me, I think these fellow writers can make it work. So here we go down the rabbit hole. Since they live in America’s megacities, they might even be able to outsource the detailed work and focus on branding.
Know your Market
For those of you wondering why I don’t pursue this opportunity on my own, there are a lot of reasons.
Such a business would drive Denny, my Cocker Spaniel crazy. Cutting and arranging cheese and smoked meats would be hard to carry on at scale amidst the barking and whining.
Living next to Wisconsin, America’s Dairyland means competition on a scale you coastal types could never understand. Driving across the country, we are all met with regional rest stops on America’s interstates. Whether Stuckey’s in the southeast, Wall Drug in South Dakota, Hole ‘n the Rock in Utah, or Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland in Michigan, sometimes the competition is too stiff. When you drive across Wisconsin, instead of the incessant McDonald’s golden arches signs every five miles, you are met with the iconic Cheese Chalet. There are LOTS of them. Here’s an example for those who have never made the trip. There is no competing against “Big Cheese”.
I think this business opportunity is great for the coastal folks. You see, the fact that the nearest cattle ranch may be 1000+ miles away does not preclude them from shouting to the world that they have the best steakhouses or what have you. Michael and Anne have some unique opportunities as California is 2nd and New York 3rd in cheese production so regional options abound.
The Market
Everybody likes cheese plates. Even avowed vegans and plant-based eaters live in denial and cannot resist a rolled-up bit of salami. When people are bowing to peer pressure and being watched at a cocktail party, they might even grab a dried apricot or a fig to convince others they are healthy sustainable people. I think, deep down, not that many Americans are seeking out figs in the privacy of their own homes unless they have a bag of fig newtons and milk handy. If you are having a party the cheese tray is ALWAYS an option.
Sustainability
Depending on your zip code and circle of friends, pushing out a cheese tray on one of those flimsy disks of plastic is bad form. The judgment that befalls the room if the tray has a barcode on it from Sam’s Club or Costco might affect your credibility. The shelf life of cubed Colby, Cheddar, and Pepper Jack is hard to beat but is poor marketing in the coastal markets of NYC and LA. Heck, I think it might even get a bit of side-eye here. Knowing your market is key for the entrepreneur.
Sustainability can be the difference between success and failure. There are so many things made from bamboo these days. A big reason is that it grows so darn fast it is considered sustainable wood. Anything that grows that fast is pretty cheap also. I did a quick survey and found out that you can buy 500 cutting boards embossed with your logo for about $3.75 a unit. Now we are talking and the next step is to come up with a logo for this venture. Creative differences and ego have destroyed a lot of partnerships over the centuries. Getting two creative folks like Anne and Michael to work together might prove impossible. A couple of ideas I could throw in the mix to name the business:
Kad-Est (or Trin-Et “rhymes with Chinet”) Cheese and Charcuterie
Metropolis to Table LLC
Substack Fromage Associates
Packaging, Branding & Modularity
When a business is new, managing your inventory and controlling costs to scale the business is imperative. The bamboo cutting boards profiled here are 6 by 8 inches so being able to meet the needs of larger buyers is important. There are always those people who want and need a souvenir. Having a way to snap together these cutting boards and offer a 6x8, 8x12, and 12x16 board would be awesome. Nervous party throwers always are afraid of running out of food so they ALWAYS buy too much. Don’t let such opportunities slip away. My kids always enjoyed leftover party foods stacked in the fridge. With these inexpensive boards, you are well on your way to selling trays in three popular sizes. This business has some momentum now!
Over the Top Innovation
In my experience, there is no more rabid hobbyist than the woodworker. The tools they may acquire over their lifetimes are simply amazing. Handtools and a couple of oddballs are all that I have managed to acquire in a lifetime. I have retained all ten digits and am relieved I still have them all. How do we make our products memorable? We go the extra mile. A cool way to join wood together became popular called the biscuit joiner. These oddball tools let you connect two boards easily and quickly. They have become so popular that you can buy the “biscuits” in large bags from Amazon. Here is a photo for those that are unfamiliar.
All you need to find is someone in your neighborhood who bought one of these joiners and hardly ever uses it. I am guessing that anyone who bought one only uses it about as frequently as kitchen types use their pasta or breadmaker. He/She will be GLAD to put their biscuit joiner to use and will probably cheerfully join your team when you want to put four of the cutting boards together and sell a lot of cheese. This writing thing is fun in itself. I don’t spend much time analyzing clicks as I just like to write. However, I am guessing that no one is clicking on this how-to biscuit join unless I am somehow now attracting the woodworking crowd. If ANYONE READING this Newsletter DOES NOT own a biscuit joiner AND as a result of reading this BUYS ONE I will grant a free future PAID SUBSCRIPTION if this Newsletter ever reaches critical mass. That is a lot of ifs. Please share a video of yourself with proper eye protection using your new tool as proof of purchase.
Health & Safety Comment: Make sure you only use food-grade glues and finishes on your products. We don’t want our best friends consuming oil-based varnish. If you decide to pursue a high-end market, the coup-de-grace for these boards is to add trim on the edge so you can stack the food in a mighty mountain. I’m guessing anyone who owns a biscuit joiner will also own a pin nailer. One final touch to crush it is to read Michael Estrin’s story and figure out how to add flowers to your spread. I never knew until checking but you can BUY EDIBLE flowers like Karma Orchids and Pansies. Since most parties include alcohol, it is probably a good plan to include EDIBLE flowers. I think the only time I’ve eaten flowers is deep-fried squash petals. In that peak season when you cannot pick the zucchini fast enough, a good solution is to trim the flowers and fry them. We all know that even an old shoe is pretty good fried.
Make Your Product Memorable
When Michael bought his black-market cheese tray, the presentation was unique and included some fresh flowers and even a little bit of sage. Having a bit of aboriginal Native American herbs on your tray is a special touch. Based on the creativity of their Newsletters they won’t need any help personalizing their presentation from me. I look forward to seeing if this business takes flight. I wonder which one of them is going to buy the biscuit joiner. So many questions!
Thank You
Thank you to my two fellow writers for playing along. If this business comes to be and blossoms, it couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of writers. Thanks to my cousin from Miami who introduced me last year to a great homemade charcuterie board. Hers was GOOD!
Tonight’s Poll
Reader’s Ideas
What’s the best thing you ever remember about a good cheese/charcuterie board?
If you roll up late, what is the last thing to get eaten? I think sweaty salami.
Do any of you remember your parents putting out cheese trays? I remember spreadable cheese, cheese balls, and the like. How about you?
What’s the most pretentious thing you ever remember people putting on a cheese tray or as an appetizer? Maybe chestnuts during the holidays?
What is the best appetizer ever? For me, it was these little pies in Louisiana that were savory crawfish in a flaky French crust. Decadent.
If you have ever made a cheese tray or charcuterie board yourself that you want to show off, please forward a photo if you can.
Finally, as is my tradition, it is time for some music. A cheese tray is for parties. Time for a Minnesota party song.
The best cheese tray is when the cheese tray IS the meal!
Thus far, two of my relatives (one who introduced me to the word charcuterie) and the other who owns every conceivable tool have been my favorite comments. If I could convince those of you that send me comments on the back-channel to add them here, these topics would go in an unexpected direction.
My favorite is the need to go multi-tray so a vegan doesn't stroke out b/c the pseudo cheese touched the salami. Now that is fun take and a better image!
At least for me, what I like the BEST ABOUT SUBSTACK is the comments on some of the more engaging posts.