Who's Got the Button
you'll arrive more relaxed if you stay in your lane
OPINION / HOT BUTTON ISSUES / SERENITY
The Inspiration
I am not immune to the exhaustion of passionate advocacy. I wrote this shortly after the Thanksgiving weekend. It is common to be exposed to the concern that there may be “difficult conversations” at the Thanksgiving table. Our family seems to largely avoid the issue and for that I am thankful. Today I want to tackle this issue. I do not believe I need to state where I stand on any of these “hot-button issues”. Rather I am going to dwell on what I see as the forces at work and perhaps how we let ourselves be manipulated. Tonight my post will be more personal. I wrote this as I found myself in a discussion about hot-button issues. I found it to be calming to heed my advice and avoid some conflict.
The Setup
Some people like tennis and others prefer golf. Others hate baseball and love football. We all know of the worldwide passion for soccer while many Americans cannot live without American football. We have even had the emergence of the expression “the real football”. Is an argument about soccer and American football reasonable, healthy, and a good way to spend our time? Arguing about sports seems to mirror the same in “hot-button” issues. What value does anyone get trying to define for others what is reasonable or the better choice?
Personal Outrage
We are all inundated with exhausting messages in our newsfeeds with new reasons to be outraged. Whether we choose to talk about something, we are counseled about what should MATTER to us. My usual filter helps me through these moments. I am training myself to delay a response unless I answer YES to these three questions.
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said now?
The Path to Peace
One of my favorite movies is Field of Dreams. It is about baseball and waxes philosophically about many things. Key characters in the film lack peace and serenity and they are unsure how to find it. Searching for what they believe brings peace. I cannot be as eloquent as James Earl Jones so here is one of my favorite clips from an all-around great movie.
The Gallup poll has been a fixture in American life for a very long time. I decided that rather than weighing in on the issues themselves, I would provide the TRENDS on many issues over the years. For me, at least, some of the older issues are amazing simply by their presence as previously controversial. There is a lot of information here and I encourage you to look at the ones that jump out at you. This is a litany of issues that might be likely to ruin a Holiday dinner or the past or present. These have all had their day as the “important issue of the day” and how we feel collectively has changed a lot in some cases.
Frequent readers will know I cannot resist a chance to make a math reference. What I know is that with even just six issues, 64 possible combinations of how a person feels about the totality of the issues listed. We are all different with different dreams, different priorities, and different PERSONAL dogma. Don’t let the world or your politics carve us up into 64 different points of view. How does a democracy navigate without imploding if we cannot make room for the 64 combinations? They are personal positions after all.
The Founders were wise. Leave matters to the individual if possible per the 10th Amendment. If that is not possible, the 10th Amendment goes further and prescribes State solutions. This is not the easiest solution when we feel strongly about something, perhaps so strong that we readily embrace imposing our idea on everyone. An interesting way to look at this for our country is to allow 300M decisions when possible. Choose 50 solutions when 300M is not practical, and only under the most unusual of circumstances go with one size fits all. Life would be a drag if vegetables meant broccoli and only broccoli. Here is a snapshot of people’s opinions on different issues of the day:
Approval of White-Black Marriage
Abortion Rights / Right to Life
While the issues above present different philosophical differences, in many cases they are issues fundamentally that seem to relate to that bugaboo in the Constitution that we all recognize:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”
I will refrain from commenting on all the issues but will say that some issues press on our ethics and morality. It is important that each of us discerns what those issues are and where our judgment and ethics lead us. I am not going to wade into the issues individually. Some of these issues are matters of individual happiness. Managing my own life is difficult and requires focus. At a recent Scotch Club, I chatted about the nature of the 18th and 21st Amendments to the Constitution. These Amendments were in regards to the establishment and then abolishment of Prohibition. These are the ONLY AMENDMENTS to the Constitution that ever betrayed the high ideal of individual liberty. I believe that when we choose to move toward imposing our will on others, it will almost always lead to misery. I am glad that the experiment of prohibition was eventually extinguished. The Prohibition Amendment, #18 is the only time a subset of our citizens took it upon themselves to intervene and decide for others what their definition of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness entailed.
Sometimes the change in attitudes and law take longer than some would like. In most cases that was due to the slow migration of thinking on the Supreme Court. The Dred Scott (slave ownership) and Plessy vs. Ferguson (separate but equal) decisions come to mind where the Courts got it wrong and the nation proceeded in misery for generations. These are BROADLY CONSIDERED amongst the worst decisions in the history of the Supreme Court. As an optimist, I think anything that speeds us toward getting it right is good. I am hopeful that in the same way that aspects of life are changing quicker than ever, the courts can be reformed to leverage modern methods and become speedier paths to justice. In the same way that TVs improve, I hope other aspects of life can leverage these improvements (productivity) and move forward on societal differences.
Personal freedoms in a free and organized society are regulated so as not to infringe on others and that is a wise course. I just do not believe that if my neighbor paints his house orange with blue stripes, I am aggrieved and entitled to prevent them from doing so. Stay in your lane. If the color of the house bothers you get some sunglasses and enjoy your deck.
I will only comment on one of the six issues. Based upon the polling we have moved in tremendous numbers and changed our minds. The approval of White-Black marriage was not finally addressed by the high court until the 1960s! Since I was born in 1960, I find this trend interesting. In 1958, only 4% of Americans approved of an inter-racial marriage. That is one of twenty-five. By 2013 the number had climbed to 83% or five of six. I am more optimistic than pessimistic. While it does mean that most of the people born in 1920 are gone (they would have been about 40), a large number of people have changed their minds. I think that is a good thing.
As I have pointed out many times previously, the rate that hot-button issues changes generally increases over time. While there are exceptions, it perhaps means that people are more amenable to change now than they were in the past. The rates of approval have changed drastically over the years and this is recent history throughout my lifetime. At the time of the issue, in hindsight, what stands out for me is "how is the race of who my neighbor and fellow citizen marry” in any way impactful on MY life? It is amazing to me that people THRIVE on IMPOSING their own beliefs on others? Looking backward, what was the public good that justified centuries of misery. How does the marriage decision of someone I don’t even know impact my life? Therefore, why am I positioned to impose my beliefs on them? There are of course degrees to everything. This issue, however, is personal to me.
My father was part of the greatest generation that fought in World War II. My dad was in the Navy and participated in several island-hopping bombardments of Imperial Japan. One of my father’s great lifetime friends was a gentleman who served in the Marines and I recollect was active during the island invasions of Iwo Jima and Okinawa. That great friend “H” is now deceased. What I remember from my childhood was that he was a wonderful man in so many ways. What I also remember was that his experience in the war had scarred him sufficiently that he would not allow a Japanese car to be parked on his driveway. One of my sons, “J”, served honorably in the Navy at Kadena Airbase in Okinawa. There he met the love of his life, a wonderful Okinawan woman, T. They were married on our deck, in a hurried ceremony brought on partly by the madness of American immigration policy 4+ years ago. They have blessed us with the most wonderful of grandsons. My son J, his wife T, and my grandson M have been transformational to our family. Our love is endless for all of them.
I also remember the term freely thrown around in my youth to refer to our adversary of now almost eighty years past. Today Japan is one, if not the most important ally on this earth for our great country. The term was used by people I admire. I see past it because life is not black and white despite what folks who want to impose their will on others might say. Life emerges in shades of gray. Pondering what you believe and leaving room for others to think differently requires practice. I understand that the experience of war changes men. What I am also confident of is that if my Dad were alive today, animosity and memory of the past would melt away as he bounced his great grandson on his knee. Walking a mile in others’ shoes, having empathy, and making space for others to find their happiness is a gift to those in need. It also is the truest gift for the gifter to let go and be fine with allowing others to find the personal happiness they cherish themselves.
My sage advice applies to your next road trip, your next holiday dinner, and the next time you consider a political view on a prickly issue. Be grateful that you get your lane on the highway. Be grateful you get your plate at the family dinner. Be grateful that you get to decide who or if you marry. Family dinners would be eminently worse if we did not even get to choose what we put on our plates. If someone doesn’t want any turkey, why waste any of your brain cycles on that. Enjoy what you selected for your plate and be joyous that each of the people you share a table with does the same. If your aunt is eating the bean casserole which you do not care for, it is crazy for her or you to intervene regarding what is on YOUR plate. Driving would not be so readily associated with the freedom of the open road if we were assigned a lane. Do not suppose you are qualified or entitled to tuck your nose under the tent and decide if your neighbor should have a sip of what they choose or guide them toward who they may love. Staying in your lane can bring happiness and serenity. It will also grant you more precious time to truly consider what is important to YOU and what decisions you can make to bring YOUR dreams to fruition.
If you just cannot resist meddling in others’ affairs or shouting to random folks on social media which can only trigger others, I recommend you move to a condominium and become the president of the condo rules board. At least the impact on others will be lessened and brief. Such a small group will be able to quickly let you know that your meddling is not appreciated.
Be kind to yourself and examine what you believe. Have a great evening and enjoy the music from The Beatles. I think about how experience in war stays with those that were in the arena. Here is the best song I know about the impact. I think of Dad and others whenever I hear it.
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