There is No Formula

Deal with It

One of the two-edged swords of this life is there is no formula for some things. I like things to be predictable and orderly and appreciate it when I have an understanding of how things work. Many years ago I worked for a scientific company that was based in LaJolla, California but had offices all over. Most of my work was associated with their office in Huntsville, Alabama. The genius of the organization was there was such a broad mixture of people, personalities, educational backgrounds all being packed together into cohesive teams. I remember a particular person from those days named Alan. He was a fine man with a great sense of humor. Alan seemed to be the go-to guy in the office when a problem was faced that no one quite knew what to do with it.

The nature of the work was diverse and interesting. Alan had some qualities that some might consider quirks. I really found most everything about him endearing and always enjoyed it when I was in the office and would encounter him. When you would walk past Alan’s office, what you immediately noticed was that there was NOTHING on his desk except a lightweight, Lucite camping cup that he reserved for his tea or coffee. I don’t quite remember what he was drinking but in hindsight, I should have asked. Whatever Alan was drinking sure was working. His cup was minimalist, effective, and seemed to fit his personality perfectly. A quality, purpose-built cup while something I admired would not be for me as I would be likely to leave my coffee cup almost anywhere. While we are no longer in touch, I would not be surprised if Alan still has that cup.

While it is time for the story to move forward, here is one of my favorite memories of Alan. I was able to witness this a few times so I know it was not a one-time anomaly. Alan always seemed to have a lot to work on. However, the problems that seemed to be put in his inbox were unique. Because they were difficult and serious, I would imagine a modern bean-counter would simply not know how to manage him or his time. The types of tasks were problems that the collective organization simply did not know what to do with. As a result, when you might walk past his office, a large reference book might be on his desk. It would have been hard to ascertain whether he was actually working on the problem at hand or just maybe looking at stuff he was interested in knowing more about. Alan’s title was senior scientist emeritus, an equivalent status to an upper-level manager in an unusual corporate structure.

So finally, here is my memory of Alan:

• A group of people had run into each other in the hallway.

• The discussion may have started with some work-related problem but it had perhaps descended into office chit-chat.

• While Alan enjoyed that at times, you could always tell when he was thinking about bigger things.

• When there was no end in sight to the conversation, Alan would state “Well alright” and at the same time simply start walking away. It was reasonably polite but forceful at the same time. Since a statement like “Well alright” doesn’t really mean anything, it causes momentary confusion amongst the participants and in that narrow timeframe, Alan had arranged his exit.

• Before you knew it, he was gone, and the impromptu meeting had reached its end.

• I never heard him utter an unkind word nor ever lose his temper. He was a wonderful and unique man.

• In all the time I knew Alan, there never seemed to be a problem he could not solve. There was an appropriate set of formulas for everything.

I found myself thinking of Alan for the first time in a very long time recently. It came about as I thought about something I wanted to write about. While we all know that there are always new things to discover, we also know that some things just don’t have a formula. These are the sort of things that we must leave to our intuition for now. While someday, some hotshot artificial intelligence (AI) algorithm may emerge, human interactions and their nature are simply beyond a formula. So what is my point in this post? Believe it or not, I know what it is but I feel the setup is very important so I thank you in advance for your patience.

About five years ago I engaged with one of my first cousins, once removed. J was a cousin of my dad’s and I may have mentioned him in a previous post. One of the things that will happen with a 60-year-old man occasionally is that we may repeat ourselves. I am afraid that is the price of admission for a man of my age. We were soon to become partners in unraveling the mysteries of my Dolan family that was established starting in the 1870s in Susquehanna County, Pennsylvania, just over the border from the south-central New York city of Binghamton. J and I hit it off immediately I think. We both had different perspectives on how to tackle this problem. I think we both realized there was an awful lot that we did not know.

No names, sorry about that for the inquisitive

J shared a photograph (shown above) in those earliest days of a family wedding that took place in October of 1980. I did not attend the wedding as I was away at college but J was there. After only two more intervening summers I would never return to live in my hometown of Buffalo again. In context, it was perhaps a poor choice to choose me to try and organize the Dolan family soup and what became of everyone. I am so glad that J has been my partner every step of the way. J and I decided to start with that photograph and identify who was who. While we did not know why just yet, our sense was that it would be a bit of a treasure map to who‘s who in our shared family and from whence they came. I now treasure that photo as my parents appear in that large family group photo and only a few years later my dad would pass away.

That wedding, now 41 years since is my subject for tonight because there simply is no formula for some things. The couple that was married that day was one of my 2nd cousins and her husband. So as not to confuse them with J, I will refer to them as the couple J&S. The hunt was on to understand our family. In some cases, there were names which we did not understand and it would become important to intimately understand who’s who. I had entered into this journey remembering ALL OF MY COUSINS, even those I rarely saw. My memory was such that I knew all of them except one who died tragically in the mid-1960s before my memory was fully established. Beyond that one cousin, my working knowledge of the Dolan family was my Dad and his siblings and all of their spouses and children. That was the clan that I was more familiar with. There would be so much more to learn over the next few years as we unraveled the who’s who of this people puzzle.

Even at this early stage, in my mind’s eye, I had a goal in mind. Remember, a guy like me really seeks a formula when he can. It just brings order to the universe in many cases. But this journey was soon to teach me something unexpected. I came to know and understand the who’s who of so many in the family. Included in that puzzle were the identities of J&S. As I mentioned, S and I shared some DNA as we were 2nd cousins. I kind of like the whole DNA thing as you might imagine for me it brings order to the universe. It is, of course never lost on me that we also share some bits of DNA with frogs so DNA is definitely not destiny. There is so much more to the story and the evolution of relationships trumps DNA every time.

J&S and I came to know each other through email, texting, phone, and occasional video sessions on Zoom. None of these, of course, can substitute for that wonderful human connection characterized by real eye contact, a handshake, or a hug. A number of years went by and my mom, Sylvia passed away in July of 2018. At the funeral home, after really only being indirect contacts, J&S came to my Mom’s showing the night before her funeral. It was at that time that I finally got to meet J&S and it was just a wonderful moment. As I said, there is no substitute for eye contact and a real human connection. They were simply a genuine and wonderful couple.

Now, here we stand in 2021. We just had a small family reunion in Buffalo in September. One of the two events of the weekend was a get-together at an Irish Bar on Saturday afternoon. What a wonderful event. Family from all over, many who knew each other, many who were meeting for the first time. It was a rousing success. But now it is time for the rest of the story. The first event of the weekend in Buffalo was hosted at J&S’s home. S and her sister A hosted a wonderful evening at J&S’s home. S and her sister A are my second cousins. A perfect evening on a beautiful night. Everything was just right. Three people, each from different “legs” of the Dolan family came together and became the committee for the weekend events. They were:

• One of my 1st cousins, E was on the committee and was so gracious to me the whole time I was in Buffalo.

• Another was the brother of my original partner genealogy J. I will refer to him as B and he is also one of my dad’s cousins which makes him another of my 1st cousins once removed.

• The 3rd member of the committee was my 2nd cousin, part of the J&S team we have talked about.

So what is the point of this post really? I have enjoyed getting to know my 2nd cousin and her husband in this five-year intervening period. While I have always known and remembered my connections with my first cousins, what this whole adventure has taught me is that there is no formula for a human connection. It has been so satisfying to get to know so many relatives, who I might have formerly referred to as distant relatives. They will never be distant again and there is no formula for why that is. On my last evening in Buffalo, I was able to finally meet a couple of 2nd cousins I have never met before from a completely different leg of the family. We had a wonderful evening. The journey continues.

For my frequent and loyal readers fear not, no post is complete without music. I think tonight’s tune is apropos (I never figured I’d be able to work that word into a post). Hope to see all of you again tomorrow around 7 pm. Thanks for reading.

34+

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